Teaching Confidence & Conflict Resolution

With statistics on the rise for reported bullying in schools (1 in 5 students report being bullied) and more discussions taking place on the news, in friend groups, on social media, etc., I am so grateful to have been a guest on Atl & Co Friday to address this topic.

Christine Pullara and the  Atl & Co. team allowed me to share with their audience some helpful tips on building confidence in our children so conflict resolution could be done. These tips serve as a good reminder for all individuals, as we all must address conflicts in our daily lives. As promised, I am elaborating on these tips here, so if you missed the show or live out of the Atlanta are, you too can benefit.

Teaching Teens how to Feel Confident about Conflict Resolution – 3 teaching steps

Sit down with your child/children and have this talk now. Once conflict occurs and tempers are flaring, it is often too late for sound reasoning, so give your tweens/teens the facts ahead of time. I have broken the discussion into 3 steps for ease in talking with your children.

STEP 1 – Acknowledgement 

  • Acknowledge that Conflict is natural
    • Going to happen & that is why you are having this discussion
  • Acknowledge that handling conflict is an important life skill to develop
    • Can be used in love relationships, work associations, family conflict, etc. throughout life
  • Problems just don’t go away
    • Staying silent doesn’t work and could lead to escalated issues whereby you become an “easy target”
    • Ask your child to think about the consequences of not talking it out??? After all, fear leads to more avoidance and a snowball effect.
  • Conflict resolution needs to be done in person
    • Acknowledge that you know this is an unpopular idea, especially with their age group. However, face to face allows a true dialogue that will lead to a more successful outcome.
    • In person allows you to interpret body language, non-verbal cues, tones and exchange of ideas & feelings.
    • This means NO texting, emailing, snapchat or social media
    • Acknowledge that you know this is soooooo hard, but it needs to be done this way.

 

STEP 2 – Benefits

Once the acknowledgements are discussed, move onto the benefits that will be gained from talking out a problem or disagreement. Everyone likes to know what they will gain from going through this uncomfortable process.

  • The resolution process allows everyone to gain new perspectives.
    • It creates new ideas and ways of looking at things while broadening horizons
    • Because you will be talking in person, each person can voice their opinions and points of view and then together a compromise can be reached (especially after a little negotiation).
  • Conflict resolution will develop new mindsets that allow individuals to prioritize the relationship over winning the argument. This is a huge factor.
    • I like to tell kids to take the approach of “You and I against the problem.”
  • CR is a skill that can be practiced
    • Comforting thought
    • Can always role play the discussion in the mirror or with someone else
    • Despite lack of practice and doubt that issue can be resolved … it must be done (even if a moderator needs to be brought in to help)
  • Allows a person to avoid consequences
    • School punishment
    • Lose a friend, friend group & activity avoidance
    • Could get worse
    • Reduced stress

 

STEP 3 – Execution

How conflict is handled will determine the outcome. There are tons of methods and information to be found on this topic, but here are my MUST DO TIPS …

  • Stop & find your calm
    • May need to discuss later
  • Find a private place to talk
    • Avoid an audience
    • Use open ended questions because they allow the other person to truly voice their full thoughts
  • Be a Listener
    • We have 2 ears  and 1 mouth for a reason
  • State & Focus on the issue … not the person
    • Stating the issue ensures both parties are in agreement as to what actually is the conflict
    • Stick to the facts of this problem
  • Check emotions
    • Don’t bring up old conflicts or random ugliness
    • No name calling
    • Avoid generalizations (“always” “never”)
    • No exaggerating
  • Use “I” statements
    • Using “I” statements keeps the focus on your thoughts and feelings rather than pointing fingers to the other individual and saying “You do this. You do that!”
    • EX: I feel bad when you pass me in the hall and don’t say hi!
  • Say “I’m Sorry”
    • It goes a long way
    • Consider if it is more important to be 100% right or to fix the conflict???
  • CELEBRATE THAT YOU DID IT … regardless of outcome
    • Every time a person goes through this process, it becomes easier
    • Sometimes it is ok to agree to disagree and just move on

 

Here is the link to the show Friday if you’d like to see it. And as always, feel free to share it with others who may benefit and need ideas.

https://www.11alive.com/video/entertainment/television/programs/atlanta-and-company/conflict-resolution-among-teen-girls/85-cdb57473-359d-44c5-bb07-212f7d7c4040

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